before and after....

Everyone has their before and after, regarles if you're a christian or not. It's just that for a christian our after is a direct result of the impact of Jesus in our life. For others it might be the impact of having a child, or falling in love, or doing a selfless act for another human being for the first time. This brings me to a story about my before. A friend once and often complements me that I am one of the nicest young men she knows, and that she things that I'm so nice all the time. And every single time she tells me this i feel filled with shame and guilt. I remember my before. I was a terrible, mean, spiteful, rage-filled young man in high school. specifically, the first couple years of high school. With some friends I tormented another student at my high school relentlessly. Enough that I made the number two spot on this student's hit list, topped only by one of my friends who tormented him along side me. You see, I was so terribly unhappy with my life then, and my way of venting that rage was to make someone else feel just as bad as I felt. Was that the right thing? Absolutely not! Is this me trying to excuse my actions? no. My heart was broken and for some reason this student became my target.

My story makes a turn at the end of my sophomore year of high school. I was invited to church/youth group by some friends, but resisted. God? I don't need or want God in my life. God is about judgement, God is about hate, God is about pretending you're happy when you're broken inside. As a result of the excessive persistence of my friends I caved and began attending youth group. It was that summer that I truly began to trust in Jesus and let him begin to mend my heart.

It was around this time in my life when I decided that I should apologize to the student whom I'd hurt so deeply the previous year. It was too late. He didn't care about anything that I had to say, shrugged off each of my feeble attempts at making an apology. Maybe he thought I was trying to gain his trust so that I could shatter his self esteem even further. Maybe he just didn't care about what I had to say. Even though I was beginning my after he still loathed my existence because of my before.

I was terrible, I was mean, I was spiteful, and I don't think that I'll ever be able to forgive myself fully for hurting someone the way that I hurt this student. If I'm such a nice person now in my after, it's only because I am so incredibly afraid of doing to another person what I did in my early years of high school.

I'm ashamed, and worry what people will think about me if they knew about my before. I celebrate my after, I celebrate that I am a different person. It's no excuse for my before.

The best I can do now is try to see the best in all people, to love them without prejudice, try my best to make sure that the people I encounter know that they are valuable and loved, and advocate for love, hope, and belief that people can change.