You're my Beloved

It's been awhile....

2010-03-27T10:07:00.000-07:00

I think that it's safe to say that over the past two years of grad school I've grown and changed more than any other period in my life, and while I feel like I say that every time I write a post like this I really believe it's true this time. It's hard to admit sometimes that as a 26 year old man I still don't fully understand myself and who I am. 4 years ago, as a graduating senior from Bluffton Univ, I had completely different expectations as to where I would be in life than what actually came to be. That's not bad, not at all. In fact, it's wonderful. It's a true testimony that God knows where you need to be and why, and though we don't understand and we fight His plans, He lovingly nudges us in the right direction.

Not only have the words of this quote has come to help me over the past couple of years in understanding who I am, but they drive my passion to tell others that they are significant, and valued!

"You weren't an accident. You weren't mass produced. You aren't an assembly-line product. You were deliberately planned, specifically gifted, and lovingly positioned on the earth by the Master Craftsman." ~ Max Lucado

Now on to the music. All of these songs sort of reveal a lot about who I am, and I identify with them

08 To Be Honest from http://gregdills.vox.com/

before and after....

2009-11-12T17:51:00.000-08:00

Everyone has their before and after, regarles if you're a christian or not. It's just that for a christian our after is a direct result of the impact of Jesus in our life. For others it might be the impact of having a child, or falling in love, or doing a selfless act for another human being for the first time. This brings me to a story about my before. A friend once and often complements me that I am one of the nicest young men she knows, and that she things that I'm so nice all the time. And every single time she tells me this i feel filled with shame and guilt. I remember my before. I was a terrible, mean, spiteful, rage-filled young man in high school. specifically, the first couple years of high school. With some friends I tormented another student at my high school relentlessly. Enough that I made the number two spot on this student's hit list, topped only by one of my friends who tormented him along side me. You see, I was so terribly unhappy with my life then, and my way of venting that rage was to make someone else feel just as bad as I felt. Was that the right thing? Absolutely not! Is this me trying to excuse my actions? no. My heart was broken and for some reason this student became my target.

My story makes a turn at the end of my sophomore year of high school. I was invited to church/youth group by some friends, but resisted. God? I don't need or want God in my life. God is about judgement, God is about hate, God is about pretending you're happy when you're broken inside. As a result of the excessive persistence of my friends I caved and began attending youth group. It was that summer that I truly began to trust in Jesus and let him begin to mend my heart.

It was around this time in my life when I decided that I should apologize to the student whom I'd hurt so deeply the previous year. It was too late. He didn't care about anything that I had to say, shrugged off each of my feeble attempts at making an apology. Maybe he thought I was trying to gain his trust so that I could shatter his self esteem even further. Maybe he just didn't care about what I had to say. Even though I was beginning my after he still loathed my existence because of my before.

I was terrible, I was mean, I was spiteful, and I don't think that I'll ever be able to forgive myself fully for hurting someone the way that I hurt this student. If I'm such a nice person now in my after, it's only because I am so incredibly afraid of doing to another person what I did in my early years of high school.

I'm ashamed, and worry what people will think about me if they knew about my before. I celebrate my after, I celebrate that I am a different person. It's no excuse for my before.

The best I can do now is try to see the best in all people, to love them without prejudice, try my best to make sure that the people I encounter know that they are valuable and loved, and advocate for love, hope, and belief that people can change.

demotivator.....

2009-11-12T16:43:00.000-08:00

I'm feeling completely unmotivated to write my seminar paper. I know that I should work hard and that it could be all the way done, but i miss the days when I could write here, engage my spirit and write what flows out. write when i'm inspired to, and what i'm inspired to write about. It's so hard to force it with this paper. I just want it to be done. I don't know if I could ever do a dissertation.

I'll get off my whiny train now...and i'll get back to writing. because i have to, and not because I want too.

My Life's Prayer....

2009-11-01T18:29:00.000-08:00

this is my life's prayer, and describes who I want to be and how I pray that God molds/uses me

Lord, make me an instrument of Thy peace;
where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury, pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
and where there is sadness, joy.

O Divine Master,
grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console;
to be understood, as to understand;
to be loved, as to love;
for it is in giving that we receive,
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned,
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.

Amen.

--St. Francis of Assisi (1181-1226)

Please hear what I'm not saying.....

2009-08-01T00:06:00.000-07:00

I came across this anonymous poem, this post's namesake, today while reading "Helping Teenagers in Crisis" and I wholeheartedly believe that it describes exactly why I feel called to work in student ministry whether it is residence life or working as a youth pastor. This book has been incredibly good so far and I think that I'm picking up some good info to use in my In hall training. This poem explains why my current job in res life is so important and why the job of an RA is even more important.

Please Hear What I'm Not Saying

Don't be fooled by me.
Don't be fooled the face I wear,
For I wear a mask, I wear a thousand masks,
Masks that I am afraid to take off,
But none of them are me.

Pretending is an art that's second nature to me.
But don't be fooled.
I give you the impression that I am secure,
That all is sunny and unruffled with me,
Within as well as without,
That confidence is my name and coolness is my game,
And that I need no one.

Don't believe me, please!
My surface may be smooth,
But my surface is my mask,
My varying and ever-concealing mask.
Beneath lies the real me,
In confusion and fear,
In Loneliness.
I idly chatter with you in the suave tones of surface talk.
I tell you everything that's really nothing,
Of what's crying within me.
So, When I'm going through my routine,
Please don't be fooled by what I'm not saying,
And what i'd like to be able to say,
But what I can't say.

Only you can call me into aliveness,
Each time you're kind and gentle and encouraging.
Each time you try to understand because you really care,
My heart begins to grow wings,
Very small wings, very feeble wings, but wings.
With your sensitivity and sympathy and your powers of understanding,
You can breathe life into me, I want you to know that.
I want you to know how important you are to me,
How you can be a creator of the person that is me if you choose to.

Please choose to.
Do not pass me by.
It will not be easy for you.
My long conviction of worthlessness builds strong walls.
The nearer you approach me, the blinder I may strike back.
I fight against the very thing I cry out for.
But I am told that love is stronger than strong walls.
In this lies my hope,
My only hope.
Who am I, you may wonder,
I am someone you know very well --
I am a hurting member of your family,
I am the person sitting beside you in this room,
I am every person you meet on the street.
Please don't believe my mask,
Please come behind it to glimpse the real me.
Please speak to me, share a little of yourself with me,
At least recognize me.
Please.
Because you care.

Isn't that poem incredibly powerful. I confess that I often forget that I have potential to have a powerful impact on someone else's life without ever knowing it. I've noticed that occasionally I turn inward, selfish I know, and forget to show simple kindness and care to those around me. I think that I'm scared of what I might find out, that when I show someone that I genuinely care about them that they will share something with me that I won't be able to handle. I like to fix things, but people, they're messy. What if I make things worse? What if i fail them? What if I'm not worthy of their trust? All of these questions constantly swim in my head and feed my fear of crisis. This same book "Helping Teenagers in Crisis" provides a simple reminder in chapter two "If you're the one on the ground when the sky falls, that makes you the one who must respond and keep responding until someone more qualified shows up. You don't have to do it perfectly. You don't even have to do it well. You only have to do the best you can do." Lately those words have been very comforting. "you only have to do the best you can do."

If any RAs or anyone who works with students reads this thank you! The work you do impacts lives when, and I would argue especially when, you don't even know it.

I'm committing myself to not pass by my students & do the best that I can do. Because I care!

This song also seems to paint an all to familiar picture of the lives underneath the masks that so many people seem to be wearing.

Ministry, Jesus, and student affairs

2009-07-13T10:05:00.000-07:00

It's been a very good summer for me. I'm reconnecting with Jesus in a way that I haven't for a long time and I'm realizing many things about myself that I hadn't before, and are honestly very tough realizations to deal with. Through reconnecting with Jesus I've reconnected with my calling to ministry to students as well, but we'll come back to that one later.

The first and most difficult lesson I've had to contend with in the last few months was how to deal with the shame and guilt in my life in the wake of leaving the youth ministry I worked for in California, which was a time marked by poor leadership on my part. Truthfully, I needed to step up and meet my responsibilities and didn't. I'm probably over dramatizing the situation, but I left feeling like a failure, and it shook my world to the core. Since I was a senior in high school I knew that I was called to a vocational life of youth ministry, and in my own understanding decided that this could only mean congregational youth pastor positions. I point this out not to say that I shouldn't have worked in congregational youth ministry or that I never will. But the point is that in my own way I refused to let God open my mind to the other possibilities and in a way forced this path upon myself. What happens when we do things on our own? ultimately, they fail. I am incapable of migrating through life without Christ as the guide.

What's hard is that these feelings still linger, but I'm beginning to understand that God is bigger than me, bigger than my successes, bigger even than my failures. I may have not stepped up to the plate when I was in ministry in California, but the lessons I've learned from that experience have had a transformative result on my life and my ability to lead. I've spent a lot of time over the past year or two seriously reflecting on what I could improve. I'm still not perfect, never will be, but I'm making significant improvements, and learning more about what it means to be a leader.

The other strong lesson that this experience has taught me is that I am not nearly as strong in my faith as I once believed I was. Such profound feelings of guilt, shame, and feeling like you let God down are definitely places where satan chooses to attack us, poking, prodding, and causing us to focus on how bad we are rather than understanding that the Jesus of scripture loves us unconditionally in all of our life experiences and I believe that this is especially true when we feel that we aren't good enough, that we are less than. The heart of the Savior breaks for us.

This summer has been a turning point for me, and what has probably been most beneficial is my near complete lack of a social life. Not to say that having a social life is bad, I love being with friends and having the opportunity to be apart of their lives. But it has been helpful for me to spend time in self reflection, reading scripture, and reading other books. I've been reading "Searching for God Knows What" by Donald Miller lately, and in his book he discusses the relational nature of scripture. Making faith more about a relationship with the Divine creator of the universe, His Son, and His Spirit than about trying to create a formula to get what we want. I've realized that I need to fall in love with God again. I think one of the most profound thoughts that Miller presents in his book is when he discusses the story of Hosea. Hosea was instructed by God to marry and have children with a prostitute. Hosea remained faithful to her and steadfast in his love for her. Even, and especially when she turned from him and turned to other men. This story becomes even more profound to us when we understand that we are the prostitute and God is Hosea. God loves us completely, faithfully, and unreservedly even and most especially when we turn from Him to other false loves.

I've been falling in love with God again, and what I've discovered is a reconnection to my calling to ministry to students. The difference between myself before and now is that I've started to understand that I am incapable of understanding where God is leading me, but that I need to trust him, ACTUALLY trust him. Lessons are often learned the hard way, and growth seems to never be easy, but it's worth it. It seems that for now I've found a niche in youth ministry where I can be effective, working as a hall director. I don't think that this is the end all be all for my life, but I definitely feel that God has brought me to this place for a reason. I have a heart for students who are broken, undervalued, and feel that no one cares for them. Everyone deserves to know that they have value, and that they should celebrate that they are loved. My biggest prayer and hope is not that I be the best hall director of all time (I used to want to be the best youth pastor), but instead just to love students To engage myself in their life. And reflect a small portion of the love, grace, and mercy to them that God has shined on me.

Looking to the future I'm a bit confused about where I'm going or what is going to to me when I graduate in June of 2010, but this time I'm going to lay it in God's hands, be honest with myself and with my abilities, and move from there. Maybe God has a place for me again working as a youth pastor in a church, maybe it's to continue as a hall director. All I really know right now is that I shouldn't worry about it because there's a plan for my life. Rather than focusing on what might happen, I just need to continue to focus on falling in love with God again, and the rest will fall into place.

I'll leave you with a quote from "Searching for God Knows What" then a song by Tenth Avenue North:

"The lifeboat system of redemption seems so ugly in comparison to the love of God. We can trust our fate to a jury of peers in the lifeboat, we can work to accumulate wealth, buy beauty under a surgeon's knife, panic for our identities under the fickle freiendship of culture, and still die in separation from the one voice we really needed to hear.

To me, It is more beautiful to trust Christ, deny our fathers and refuse our names, die to ourselves and live again in Him, raised up in the wave of His resurrection, baptized and made new in the purity of His righteousness. I hope you will join me in clinging to Him." - Donald Miller

What do I know of Holy....

2009-06-19T22:51:00.000-07:00

You know. I wrote a huge lengthy blog post about this song. totally unnecessary. The song speaks for itself.

God,

I don't understand you, but I thought for a long time that I had you figured out. All I know is that I love you and that I'm grateful that you've renewed my desire for you and only you. God, I tried to fill my life with the things of this world, and none of it satisfies like you do. Please, Please, PLEASE Lord, permeate all that I am, and all that I do with your love and grace. I love you Jesus, help me to see the others the way that you do. Not for who they are now, but for who they have the potential to become. Lord this song is the prayer of my heart.

Inspiration for the title of this blog....

2009-06-18T18:18:00.000-07:00

Comes from this song

"You're my beloved" By Tenth Avenue North

Love of my life
Look deep in my eyes
There you will find what you need
Give me your life
Lust and the lies
The past you're afraid I might see
You've been running away from me

You're my beloved
Lover I'm yours
Death shall not part us
It's you I died for
For better or worse
Forever we'll be
Our Love it unites us
It binds you to me
It's a mystery

Love of my life
Look deep in my eyes
There you will find what you need
I'm the giver of life
I'll clothe you in whine
My immaculate bride you will be
Oh come running home to me

You're my beloved
Lover I'm yours
Death shall not part us
It's you I died for
For better or worse
Forever we'll be
Our Love it unites us
It binds you to me

Well you've been a mistress, my wife
Chasing lovers it won't satisfy
Won't you let me make you my bride
You will drink of my lips
And you'll taste new life

Cause you're my beloved
Lover I'm yours
Death shall not part us
It's you I died for
For better or worse
Forever we'll be
Our Love it unites us
& it binds you to me

You're my beloved
Forever weâ€™ll be
Our love it unites us
And it binds you to me
It's a mystery
It's a myster

For previous blog entries...

2009-06-17T08:46:00.000-07:00

To read what i've witten before I moved to blogger, Click Here